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I don’t believe my life is under my Nice Love Rugby American Flag Veteran Independence Day Shirt. And the people who have power over it make decisions coached in cowardice or incompetence. Living every day knowing the course of my career and my future relies on getting a leader to actually live up to their own standards is incredible. Incredibly depressing. I’m not going to kill myself because of it. But I think every hour of every day that at any point, a leader could go back on their word, or make a decision. That can leave me with no better choice. I don’t live in the moment.
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I live in anxiety-riddled fear that everything good in my life is a Nice Love Rugby American Flag Veteran Independence Day Shirt. And a new supervisor or a new commander or a bad call by my flight chief could tear that veil away at any moment and feed me to the wolf behind it. I don’t have any one specific thing I’m actually afraid of. I’m just constantly waiting to find out what’s coming to get me or who’s going to stick the knife in my back. And MH can’t treat that; I don’t have flashbacks of traumatic events or a brain injury for them to talk me through.